Bittersweet

I knew the day would come eventually. They have to leave the nest at some point. The day has finally arrived for my oldest to spread those wings. As we were packing stuff up this morning, clearing her room out, it was surreal. I mean, that's been her room for 20 years. It will be weird to walk down the hall and she isn't there. Instead it will be the youngest that is there. She can't take her dog with her, so he is staying here. We wanted him to be maybe a little less freaked out, so the 9 year old will move into the 20 year olds room, so the dog can keep it as 'his' room.

I know she'll be fine. She's only 5 minutes away. She's a smart girl and one I don't feel I need to worry about in regards to doing stupid stuff that many 20 year olds do to put themselves in harms way.

sometimes

just remaining friends is what turns out to be best.

Somethings I just don't understand

Anybody that has kind of been reading the stuff I post will know I've been going through some personal growth (luckily it isn't my backside).

That being said, one thing I've noticed about it all:

People who thought they knew me, never really did or they thought so little of me before that they didn't believe I was capable of growing as a person.

I've gotten comments from more than one person along the lines of (it's not all, just a sampling):

• I've known you for xxx years. The person I knew would never think/feel something like that.
• Oh, you are just trying to fit in with your new friends.
• You've always felt xxx way about this issue. I don't believe you feel the way you say you do.
• You are acting so out of character.

In my 20 years of adulthood, I cannot recall ever doing anything to fit in and I'm not going to start now.

Lots of people feel they know me. How I think and feel based on similar past situations. I've really given a lot of thought to a few things and either they just never really took the time to truly get to know me or they have such a narrow opinion of me as to think I could never possibly change.

Now perhaps they feel I could never change because they themselves are for the most part stagnant individuals, never having their own beliefs challenged by anyone, so they stick to their own little rut in life. That's fine. If that is the case and they enjoy where they are, then hey, more power to them.

To those who feel I've changed too much, sorry you feel that way. I'm enjoying the learning and growing and I intend to do a lot more of it. It's not as if my heart has changed. I'm still the same person, I just view some things differently than I did xxx years ago.

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind when you have new information; changing your mind just to change your mind, that's something else entirely.

Years ago, cocaine was used for medicinal purposes. Then people were given new information on cocaine and they decided, humm, not such a good medicine after all.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

While I thought I had gone through the vast majority of changes in my life, I'm still changing.

I'm more tolerant of things I was not formerly tolerant of and less tolerant of things I was previously tolerant of (go figure).
I seem to be more sympathetic.
I'm far more willing to show and share my emotions.
I'm still standoffish if I don't know you, but I warm up a bit quicker than I used to.
I'm more trusting.
I am softer (so sayeth a few friends).

I have looked, delved, and explored; trying to find the answer as to why. From what I can see, I place the blame for all the above on the shoulders of one person. I want to be a better person. Not a different person. I'm still me, just a better me.

That really is so not like me. I've always been fine with who I am. I've never felt the need to have someone in my life. If there was a special someone, great. If there wasn't a special someone, that was fine too. My company has always been sufficient. I enjoy me, my likes, dislikes and quirks.

He's the most gentle person I've ever known. He's very passionate about the things he loves, and would not hesitate to shoot someone breaking into his home, but the side I get to see, the one he hides from most others, is the most amazing person. Not that he is perfect, far from it. He can be a supreme ass, no doubt about that. He has a temper for sure. It may take a lot to light that fuse, but once lit, it's time to run for cover - where then I can giggle(to myself only and only if I'm not the one that just lit that fuse) at just how red his face is and look for the smoke that is soon to be pouring from his ears a la Saturday morning cartoons. But I've only lit that fuse twice thank goodness and both of those times were misunderstandings. He figured out I am not a mind reader though and misunderstandings won't be a problem any longer. I owe him more than I can ever repay.

Now back to changes. With the changes I have gone through, I've grown in a different direction than I ever anticipated. I hate to say it because it sounds so snobby, but, I've evolved. That is the best way to describe it. Evolving however means there are certain things (or people) that need to be reevaluated. That's the hard part. I am a much different person today than I was 5 years ago, hell, even 2 years ago. That is going to require a lot of thought.

Here it is Spring and I'm looking at a different kind of Spring cleaning.

The perfect present

I did see this really cool bottle of some liquor at Spec's the other day. hummm

The Man in the Glass

This was in Dear Abby today. I had never read it, but I like it.

The Man in the Glass(Author Unknown)

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy.
But the man in glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

To expand further

I really wanted to go. I'm fairly disappointed that I'm not going. In hindsight though, it was probably best I didn't go. The guy working with us had become a MAJOR pain in the ass. As I was melting chocolate the other night, trying to show a guy (a very sweet kid) a few things, PITA walked up and pushed me out of his way. Yeah, I said pushed me. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a push. I wasn't expecting it, it made me stumble about 2' backwards. Now, given the location I was, I really couldn't do anything, because if I would have done something it would have most likely ended up in assault charges. I instead, walked away, found a friend and told him, he calmed me down and that's a good thing. I suppose I am getting my revenge by having to back out at the last minute as the hotel room we were to share is now 100% on his head. He will have his ass handed to him in NYC. I do wish I could be there to see that, but bestfriend will be able to tell me all about it. I hope all his stuff makes the trip in tact so that the judges can tell him just how horrible his stuff looks. Didn't want to listen to the 4 experienced people. He knows everything and can do everything better, PITA that he is. After 2 solid months of work, busting my ass, a couple of hours of sleep a night, not seeing my family, barely getting homework done, and not being able to shake this cold, I guess I will finally be able to relax. Stress is now gone, hopefully the knots in my shoulders, back, and neck will follow.

Is it bad that I'm hoping the judges ream his ass out?

I'm so lucky

or maybe that should be fortunate.

It's been several months since I told a friend about something that happened many years ago. We knew each other at the time, but nothing more than a nod in the other's direction.

A couple of weeks ago, I brought up something else from that time. He can't even think about that time period or the people he knew. He had tears in his eyes just thinking about it. If only he was there he said. It would have never happened. Some of the players he knew, was friends with. He hates that he knew people like that. The other players, even I don't know who, so he wants to not even think of the people we knew then, cause he knows that two of them were probably people he knew.

Cryptic I know, but that's all I'm prepared to say.

more today than yesterday

This is just so very apropos today

More Today Than Yesterday
( Spiral Starecase )

I don't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I fell in love with you
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Every day's a new day in love with you
With each day comes a new way of loving you
Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wander
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow

Break

Tomorrow's date means springtime's just a day away
Cupid, we don't need ya now, be on your way
I thank the lord for love like ours that grows ever stronger
And I always will be true
I know you feel the same way too

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterdayBut only half as much as tomorrow

fascination or rant

I will always find people fascinating, if not exasperating. So many feel as if the world revolves around them. Sure, "their world" may revolve around them, but there are oh, I don't know 6,525,170,300 or so more people out there than just them. Always assuming that their feelings are more important, that their life is far more complicated, and anything you could say or do would never measure up to their difficulties, stresses, job, children, grandchildren, friends, or whatever. Selfish adults just blow my mind. Children are selfish, they don't quite understand that there is more in this world than their desires, their wants. When an adult practices that same selfish attitude, it makes you wonder if mom gave them every little bitty thing their heart desired. Were they the type of child that would throw themselves down in the middle of the grocery store and pitch an absolute fit until mom gave them the chocolate bar? Do their wives/husbands/significant others also practice this same thing with them, always giving them what they want, regardless of what they might actually need.

rant over

perfection?

I never thought I would ever meet someone so very perfect for me.

and I still haven't

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
sit and spin
not giving you the satisfaction

I'm constantly amazed by people

You hear the term 'mean girls' and you think, do I know any? Then you realize, yeah, you know some, but the funny thing is, they think they aren't the 'mean girls'. You hear them bitch and moan about how other people are and what terrible things they say/do, yet they turn around and do the same damn thing. Can they really not see that they hate what they are, what they have become?

The world in general would be a much nicer place if people could look at themselves objectively. Looking at yourself through rose-colored glasses is not a good thing. Ganging up like a pack ready to devour their young on someone with a dissenting opinion but then bitching that they constantly have their opinion stifled. Puhlease. If the words coming out of your mouth were coming out of the mouth of the person you detest, you'd be all up in arms at what they had to say. Take off the rose-colored glasses and take an honest look at yourself.

Now, if you know me and if you are wondering, hummmm, is she talking about me. I'd say you might have your first clue that those glasses need to be removed.

Edited to add:
Re-read the last two sentences.

I am a bitch. I've never denied being a bitch. In fact, I often times laugh when someone calls me a bitch, because they obviously feel it is an insult whereas I do not. There are many people I have thought of as friends in this life. Many of them have lied, placated, patronized, and insulted me. I have weeded these people out of my life, preferring instead to have positive influences. Those positives include not judging, accepting, and understanding.

Again I say, if you are wondering, hummmm, is she talking about me. I'd say you might have your first clue that those glasses need to be removed.